point N shoot

My uncle collasped as he was about to finish the marathon last weekend. It was probably heatstroke, and perhaps overexcitment as he neared the finish line. Just like in the drama serials, scenes of your life, memorable moments, important loved ones, will all flash by in your mind. In his delirious state, he called out familiar names repeatedly, and kept moving his arms about. It was scary to feel his own legs gradually straighten, and grow stiff. It’s as if rigor mortis was beginning to set in. With tears in his eyes, he recounted the feeling of refusing to let go. Is it really as portrayed in the movies, where we approach the gate to the world beyond, but suddenly turn back in the nick of time? It is during times like these that we really realize and admit how much we care for those around us. But not everyone can be as fortunate as him to take this as a learning episode and continue with life.

- When you find yourself ecstatic a moment and miserable the next.

- Having the privilege of stealing his food if it looks more appealing than yours

- When you find yourself in the wrong aisles at the supermart ridiculously looking for disgusting food that he likes

- Keeping your handphone close by even in the toilet and hallucinating that you heard it beep for an incoming sms

-When the usual dynamic, independent you becomes degraded to a whiny, unreasonable spoilt brat

-The effort you take to wake up half an hr every morning just to put on that darn pair of contact lens

- The lightheaded feeling when you smell your favourite fragrance on his shoulder

- The lovely bliss when he holds your hand as he drives with the other hand

- When you stop to steal glances at him even though Tony Leung/Andy Lau/Tom Cruise is smiling at you on the movie screen

- If you enjoyed the sucky movie just because you were watching it together, hand in hand

- Waking up to his voice every morning and knowing delicious breakfast awaits you

 - Laughing when you get more than 2/3s of the umbrella as both of you share it in the pouring rain

- Hating yourself for reading the same line of the textbook over and over again because you can’t get him outta your head

- The victorious feeling when he gives in to your most willful, nonsensical demands

- When you just can’t help eavesdropping on his conversations with other girls and can’t resist peeping at his sms inbox

- The silly smile on your face as you find all the above just too familiar to you.

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Perhaps i need to start attending “seven habits” and other anger management classes with my friend. I officially attribute my worsening temper to my work. Haha and probably my upcoming exams have to share the blame as well. I am actually in a better mood in mammo, due to motherly instincts acting up.

I must learn to be more considerate of other’s feelings… which is just odd for a self-centered person like me.

Last week a patient claimed that my mammo machine “raped” her. She promptly smsed obscenities to her friend who promised mammogram won’t hurt. As a parting shot, she also told me to think of her when I have my own mammogram done in 20yrs’ time. That was when I swore to myself I’ll never ever have a mammogram!

After a record breaking, earth shattering, busiest week in the history of the mammo room, I’ve finally graduated with the honour of “mammo expert”. Two aunties who became friends after sitting next to each other in the waiting area, were actually praising me when they left. “I like this girl, she’s so nice.” Awwww… and I thought to myself, “how nice if I had a thick wad of feedback forms in my pocket!”

Oh, and ewwww to rainy days. My next birthday wish is to have someone chauffeur me to and from work every day for the rest of my life.

I was just telling a friend that day, about how special and intimate a mammogram can be. Its no doubt weird and embarrassing exposing yourself to a stranger. Being half-naked in a foreign room with fully clothed people can’t be glamourous, unless you are paris hilton or something. More people than you can imagine are overly self-conscious about their bodies. I get awkward patients who apologise and ask whether their breasts are too small for a mammogram. Obviously they must have seen me struggle with a frown on my face. Those who are well-endowed will also worry about not finding dress sizes, curious stares and what not. There is nothing perfect in this world, and everything is down to self-esteem. I’ve had a patient tell me indignantly “Be thankful! My breasts are considered big already. Stop looking at me like that.”

It’s the post masectomy patients that amaze me. They live on with such drive and contentment that you’d never imagine what they have been through. They look exactly like your average patient as well. I’ve had patients discuss about how caring, or uncaring their surgeons were, which hospital is the best place to have an operation, and their own ways of coping with life after cancer. I remember an aunty who said, “Now that I have only one breast, nothing that I wear looks beautiful on me anymore.” I was overwhelmed, and didn’t know what to say. On hindsight, I could have said much more to her. But at that moment, I simply answered, “Don’t worry, its not obvious to others at all!” I’m glad she still managed a smile and a “thanks”.

Some patients even break down, and claim that they are not “whole women” without breasts. It’s hard to understand such emotional and psychological stress. Breast cancer can appear without warning, and just come & go in a flash. Its scary when I look at films with such suspicious masses. More so when I was just chatting happily with the unsuspecting lady a moment ago. Within a short week, the patient’s name will appear all of a sudden on the operating theatre’s list for the day. If its shocking for me, what is it like for the patient herself?

Doing mammograms is a way of awakening my inner compassionate self. Its a good chance of interacting with people, reminding me that I still have the ability to care. As healthcare workers, we focus so much on the “working” part that we forget about the “caring” bit. I haven’t felt the warm fuzzy feeling for a long long time.

Next time, if the mammographer gives you a pat on the shoulder, some heartfelt words or even a big tight hug, that might just happen to be me.

Coincidentally, the month of october is the annual breast cancer awareness month. Unfortunately for me, it means an extremely long list of patients every day! The hokkien-speaking PCA aunty asked me yesterday, “Ay, you in Mo-mo?” ”Mo-mo” translates as “Mammo”. I laughed, and demonstrated a pressing action with both hands…”Yup, mo-mo” Touching and kneading breasts every day. I have since gained new insight, and a dislike for breasts. In fact guys should be posted to mammo, which no doubt will be an eye-opening experience. It will revolutionize your perception of breasts. These are not sexy things, but highly scientific and challenging to handle. Its not a pretty sight to see breasts flattened and beaten to a pulp. Sometimes i am so focussed on pulling the breast tissue that i forgot about the patient herself. Her face might already be squashed flat against the face shield, with makeup smeared all over. Im so sorry about that.

“A light press, that’s all.” This is a familiar advertisement slogan. How wrong can that be? Patients turn up pale and shivering, still traumatised from last yr’s horrifying experience. They scream in pain with contorted faces, even Before i started the compression. “Aunty, relac la, i haven’t even started! So tense how to do? no flesh to pull leh!” Sometimes i feel like a part-time cousellor, part-time friend, even part-time fellow aunty. But i do enjoy listening to their housewife tales, exotic travel stories, saddening cancer therapies etc Mammo is like socialising, adapting to the different personalities of your patients and using different techniques on different breasts.

There’s a newspaper article written by a journalist who went for mammo and ultrasound herself. She described mammo as putting your breasts on the floor and have someone step repeatedly on them. Or, having two thick volumes of encyclopedias and smashing your breasts between them. So much for encouragement. I suggested blowing up the article to poster-size and putting it up in the department. That way, we’ll have less patients!

Patients have their own tactics to deal with a mammogram. Some eat ponstan, panadol or any painkiller they can find before coming. Others massage and tap tap tap on their breasts after the mammogram, to re-inflate ‘em. Yet some others try to avoid it altogether with excuses like, “Now Puasa, saya breasts small u know. taboleh do mammo.”

Some patients try to intimidate me with hateful stares. Some try the pleading looks. If all else fails use sacarsm. “Last year the one who did for me was so rough u know! so painful! this time won’t be like that hoh?”

Patients will pull a long face when told there are additional views, like cone maginification (cone mag) or cone compressed. I hate these mags, mac mac big mac …. mac nugget… mac crispy… I always tell my patients, “Aunty, free gift, sale leh, buy one get one free.” But they always reply ” This type of free gift i don’t want la. Radiation plus suffering. So pain you know!” As if i like to do extra views. Hai~

Last but not least, a tip for those going for mammograms…please attend to basic hygiene. I always know its a hot day outside when patients show up with sweaty armpits.